Many of the hiking tracks here in New Zealand cross private land. That’s no big deal in itself, but the thing is that the private land is usually farmland, which means there’s stock on it. Sheep are no big deal, but I’m scared of the cows. Yes, that’s what I said. I have a fear of cows. I really do tense up and get quite nervous when I have to walk through a field of them.
So you’re reading this and you’re already laughing your ass off at me. I get it. It’s ridiculous. I’m ridiculous. But bear with me a minute while I tell you all the reasons cows are scary creatures.
1. They’re huge.
I have an uncle who raises cows on my grandma’s land, and I remember once when I was quite young I was outside with the other kids and that uncle told me to get out of the way because he was going to drive the cows right through the space I was standing in. I moved, the cows stampeded up the hill at a speed that completely belies their bulk, and teeny tiny me was stunned and intimidated by their size and very relieved that I had moved. I think this must have had a long-lasting impression on me.
Have you seen the size of these things? Most of them are absolutely ENORMOUS, probably 8-10 times my size and weight. That means if a cow decided it wanted to push me around it would have absolutely no problem doing so and I would be helpless to defend myself.
2. They can move fast.
Usually when a cow walks it’s got a slow, lumbering gait and it stops every metre or so to graze. But if a cow wants to move, it can! They can run pretty fast. That means if a few of them decided to stampede towards me I don’t actually think I could outrun them. And the problem with a bunch of stampeding cows? Well, see reason #1.
And what if today, of all days, is the day the farmer decides to release his bull into that particular paddock, the one I’m walking through. What if that paddock that looks totally empty when I step into actually has a huge bull hiding behind a tree just waiting for a hiker (me!) to pass through so it can attack?
And what if that bull thinks I’m a threat to his harem of females? What if he decides that I don’t belong there (I don’t, really) and that he should charge?
And if you think cows are big (see #1), bulls are bigger. And faster (see #2)
My fear of cows is probably not helped by the fact that I am currently reading a book that mostly revolves around bullfighting.
3. They stare.
They’re kind of intimidating when they stare. Or, they can be. It’s probably curiosity but maybe it’s hostility, as in ‘What the hell are you doing in my paddock you human?’ Some cows have positively evil stares.
And they stare in gangs. One will turn to look, then another, and another, until every cow in the paddock is staring me down, threatening to rally the troops into a stampede that will come trample the intruder (me!) until nothing is left.
4. They’re overly curious sometimes.
Last year when I was visiting my grandma I decided to go out to the field and pick some blackberries. My mom had already been out there, and told me where the stick was that she’d used to wave at the cows to scare them off. What? This sounded silly to me, especially because this is where my mom grew up. Around cows. Why would she be afraid of them?
I took the stick with me and sure enough, the cows got curious and came to check out what I was doing. Did I mention that they’re enormous? They’re such bullies! Luckily I had my mom’s stick! Not wanting to get pushed into the blackberry bushes by cows, I waved the stick and they stayed away.
5. I met some evil cows in Wales.
When I was hiking part of the Pembrokeshire Coast Path in Wales I had to walk through several fields as well. On one occasion, I entered the paddock and way over on the other side I could see a herd of cows. Just about immediately, they started coming towards me. Not just coming, jogging towards me. Fast (see#2). All of them.
What was their plan? I don’t know, but I got across that field as fast as I could and got through the gate just in time to turn around and see those cows gathered on the other side, menace in their eyes, and disappointed that they hadn’t had the chance to trample me.
6. Cows will seek revenge.
This is the scariest one. When I was house sitting on the Banks peninsula I went for regular walks with one of the neighbours. She was afraid of cows, mainly because of reasons #s 1 and 2, and we would always turn back at whatever point we found we had to walk anywhere near a cow. But she was also afraid because of a recent accident.
Several months before, one of the farmers who looked after the stock on this neighbour’s land had gotten bashed into and pushed over by a cow (they’re HUGE, remember?), which broke her leg quite badly and she had to be airlifted by helicopter to a hospital. She took several months to recover.
Why did the cow do this? Well the previous week she’d been helping vaccinate some of the cows and they think this particular cow must have remembered her jabbing it with a giant needle and decided to get revenge. Who said cows are stupid?
Good thing I haven’t vaccinated any cows recently. But what if cows don’t differentiate between humans and were just vaccinated last week and decide to take out their anger on whatever human happens to pass through their paddock? What then?
So the thing is that I’m often alone when I’m walking through a paddock of cows. And if something did happen, if a cow decided it needed revenge for something a human had done or it just doesn’t like the look or smell of me and decided to charge I would be not only severely injured (see #1 and 2), but also unable to summon help and possibly not found until the next person happened to walk through that paddock, which, in the middle of winter, could be several days.
And I know full well that this is highly unlikely. I’m not an idiot, I’ve seen how the cows always run away after having a good long stare. I know that they don’t really realize that they’re much, much bigger than me and that they could do me some damage if they wanted. I know that at heart they’re actually calm and gentle creatures. And I know that in New Zealand if there was any threat to my safety in walking through a field of cows then there wouldn’t be a walking track through the field of cows!
So my fear of cows is silly, unfounded, and yet entirely real. I can’t help it, cows make me nervous. I step into that paddock with trepidation, always keeping a careful watch on their positions while also making sure to avoid eye contact in case they see it as a challenge. And I always breathe a sigh of relief when I cross that stile out of their territory.
And I can’t believe I just wrote over 1200 words about cows.
Are you afraid of cows? Or do you have any other irrational fears? Tell me about it in the comments!
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We laughed ourselves silly…this is a very funny post, Jenny! Grandma says she ALWAYS takes a stick with her when she goes in the field with the cows. So do I. It’s a family tradition, and a good defensive move!
I should have known the idea came from Grandma! She’s so full of wisdom. I do feel much better when I have a stick with me! Glad I gave you a good laugh. 🙂
Oh my goodness! I can relate to this so much. I’m so scared of cows. My friends laugh at my stupid fear. Cows? Really? Specially because I’m not scared of anything else. Not heights, darkness, spiders. Not even death! I rarely see cows near my place, but if I see one, even a small one, I start panicking. Like, “Oh my god. I’m going to die. That cow will kill me. Or seriously injure me at least. No, no. Cow, please don’t turn. Please don’t look at me! Oh no! Oh no! RUN! Oh, I’m driving.” Pause. Take a deep breath, and speed up like crazy, get past the cow and then sigh! “I’m safe!” I think I shouldn’t have read #5. I’m more scared of cows now! The article is funny though. I laugh at myself when my friends ask, “Why cows? Why not lions?” and I say, “Cows are HUGE!” animatedly!
Oh Rencita this has to be the best and funniest comment I’ve ever gotten on this blog! The ‘I’m driving’ part just cracked me up. 😀 I’m so glad you liked my post and that you can relate to my experiences with cows. They are HUGE! 🙂
Me too. I’ve always been scared of them and I think this is sensible. As Jenny said, they are HUGE. They are definitely out to get me and I will not go in a field with them in it.
Phobias aren’t rational. And as a result there’s people out there scared of much less scary things than cows! Like balloons. And buttons. Cows at least (theoretically) could stomp you. What the heck is a button going to do?
I have a cow story to tell too, though while it’d probably be terrifying to you it’s quite funny to me. We were walking across a paddock at night and after a while heard a rustling from the darkness. We switched our torches on and saw we were being followed by a whole herd of cows. Just… watching. The funny bit was we turned our torches off and kept walking, then every 5 metres we flashed our torches back at them and they’d jump. Every time. All the way across the paddock!
Ahahaha that story is hilarious! I would love to see cows jump. It would be scary to me too though, to have them following me like that. They’re so big!
I kind of understand having a phobia of balloons. One once popped while I was blowing it up and essentially punched me in the eye. It hurt like hell and my eye was actually swollen for a while!
Buttons I don’t get though. Unless it could pop off your shirt while you’re buttoning it and fly up and hit you in the nose or something. I guess. 😉
In Feb of 17. Four of my cows almost killed me . After they broke a gate to get to me they each stepped on the gate while I was trapped under it. Yes .! I was hurt. You have four animals step on a gate while you are under it and see how hurt you get. Each animal weigh over 1000 pounds. I can’t go into the barn yard without my heart pounding. I hope some day I will be able to . But right now it makes me very nervous.
Wow, Lily that’s terrible! I hope you’re ok now. I can see why you’re still terrified of cows!
Cows are extreemely scary and they are always standing in the way with the emptty eyes. It just looks like the is notting inside the eyes. Am always ready for full speed on my bike when I meet them. I have also å plan to throw the bike at them and climb the nearest three.
Well it’s good to have a plan Øystein!
I don’t normally leave comments but I developed a fear of cows whilst visiting my grandparents in Wales (they have a cow pen in their back garden) but they also have cats and I was trying to stroke them but the cows were next to their gate and they stared at me each one of them I had walked past them millions of times before but this time I was scared and then when I finally got the courage to run past they all jumped and ran away but all I saw was a cow jump almost the height of the fence and I ran. I was 12. Now if I even think about going near a cow I get flashbacks and start crying
Oh, Karis, it’s amazing how one incident in our childhood affects us for the rest of our lives, isn’t it? I understand this fear, although I don’t think mine is as bad as yours. I’m pretty sure they don’t actually WANT to hurt us, they’re just curious and don’t understand their own size. I hope you can get over this fear one day so you can go walking through the beautiful countryside.
When I was a boy of about nine, my brother led me through a pasture (thats what we call paddocks in Bow, New Hampshire) I was with my older brother, by 8 years was with me.
As we walked we passed a very nosy cow, it just stared at us as we passed it only 15 feet away. We thought nothing of it and climbed the stonewall and went to see our uncle in the house.\
When we told our uncle about the cow we just passed…our uncle shouted,”That was a bull! Yesterday he pinned me against a barn wall and tried to crush me!” Praise the Lord!
Ken H. PS I just turned 69 on the 28 of March now.
Yikes Ken! It sounds like you were lucky to get through the pasture alive! I think the possibility of an angry bull is what scares me the most.
I love cows! And was looking up what a phobia of cows is called and this came up lol. I knew there had to be a phobia of them cause there’s a phobia of everything . But I love cows don’t find them intimidating at all. Now cars? I’m afraid to drive a giant machine lol.
It’s wonderful how people are different, isn’t it? I have no fear of driving a car at all, although if I think about it too hard, it is pretty crazy that a person can get in and suddenly be in control of a huge machine like that.
Hi there Jenny, I too have bovinophobia! I have always been freaked out by the EYES!! Like said in the post, the sheer SIZE is enough to intimidate but I want to know WHAT they’re thinking!! As my wife and I are sitting on the couch watching the Dr. Pol show, I looked up the “fear” of cows and your post came up and I read all the titles and explained how each point pertains to my phobia as well. She thinks it’s absolutely freaking hilarious. Wanna know the real “kicker”?? I work for a DAIRY FARM here in the United States and every time I get near cows, my heart races, breathing increases and my fight or flight instinct kicks in. I walk the other way every time and constantly turn around to see if they’re following me. Thank you very much for your post it is nice to know that I’m not the only one freaked out by them.
Hi Jonathan,
Sorry, I don’t check my comments very often these days. You know, we are so not alone in this. This is one of my most commented-on posts, by others who are afraid of cows for various reasons! Funny that you work for a dairy farm though! That’s gotta make work a bit difficult. And yes, people think it’s funny but one day they’ll have their own scary cow experience and then they’ll get it.